WORD VOMIT
There is an endless search for breaks in conversation that only occurs in certain friendships. When you finally grasp the edge of that spotlight and, knowing it could choose a new muse any moment, throw every ounce of your being into your words. No breath between sentences, there is no time! You must perform! Or else their attention is lost.
I feel exhausted after being with friends like this. In the aftermath of the spotlight, after it has settled on the Star of that evening’s conversation, I find the things I spewed to be halfhearted or whispers of the thoughts I intended to speak on. I want to take my time. But in the pauses I tend to require for gathering my thoughts, someone else has already picked up and ran with a new topic. I feel lost in the dust. Contributing bits and pieces gets me by in some groups, but it is not enough to sustain my desire to be seen. It is with friends that wait for my words with bated breath or urge me to continue thinking, that I feel safest with. I can place my heart into their hands and I know they will not only hold it with care but examine it with me. Piece by piece. Rather than take a glance and move onto the next slide.
My mouth runs when I get the attention of someone I admire or envy or lust for. Like a runaway train, the second it starts going I just have to hold on and hope I make it to the end of my sentence with my dignity still intact. It is something I hope to improve on this year; SLOW TF DOWN. Working at the pace of everyone around me (or what I assume it to be) rather than the one that I operate at, will only help me in the long run. Slow down. Breathe.
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